Please listen up to the following important announcement.

To the citizens of the United States of America

from

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North
Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
——————-
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’
‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’

Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
——————–
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication.

There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
——————-
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
—————-
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists.

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse.

If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

(Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.)
———————-
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
——————–
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.

Get used to it.
——————-
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for
them.
——————
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. (This is incorrect
however, as she played an American)
——————
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).
———————
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
——————–
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
—————–
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
—————
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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