Category: Musings

Happy lives!

Happiness.

I guess that it would be difficult to find a greater change in topic than going from America’s relationship with war to the secret of happiness! But that’s what’s on offer today!

All as a result of reading a recent article on the Grist blogsite written by one of the Grist staff writers, David Roberts.

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The secret to a happy life: revealed!

By David Roberts
10 Sep 2014

I don’t want to brag, but while I was on sabbatical I discovered the secret to happiness.

The crazy thing is, it was lying right there in the open. It’s been revealed dozens, hundreds of times over the course of human history. It’s revealed every day in ordinary human affairs, if you’re paying attention.

What is it? Let’s ask George Vaillant.

Vaillant is a Harvard psychologist who has been working for over 40 years on the Grant Study, one of the longest-running longitudinal studies in scientific history. It began tracking a set of 268 (white, physically and mentally healthy) men when they were sophomores at Harvard in 1939 and has been tracking them ever since, for 75 years, with exhaustive regular physical and psychological tests. It has followed them as they’ve grown, gone to war, married, divorced, worked, been fired, gotten sick, found God, and so on. (The ups and downs of the study’s history are recounted in this classic Atlantic piece, one of my favorite magazine stories ever.)

Vaillant has spent most of his adult life analyzing the data from the study, attempting to determine which factors most reliably correlate with well-being. He’s probably studied happiness longer, and in greater depth, than any other single human being. So what is it, George Vaillant? What’s the secret to a happy life?

“That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.”

Wow. That’s pretty straightforward. But can you boil it down just a little more?

“Happiness is love. Full stop.”

All right then! There you have it. The secret to happiness, revealed. It’s love.

If you want to break it down a little more, there’s plenty of social science research on it. We live longer, healthier, happier lives when we are at the center of overlapping social networks, when we have a devoted life partner, close family and friends (and pets), extensive “weak ties” with acquaintances and colleagues, peer and professional networks that value our skills, and a sense of autonomy balanced with a sense of involvement in something larger than ourselves. We are happiest when we have a place in the world, when we love and are loved, when we make the most of our gifts.

This is all obvious, of course, and has been said a million times. But that’s the point. People want there to be a what of happiness, a secret, an epiphany that once you learn it changes you forever. But the what of happiness is banal. It’s been confirmed by research. It’s in a kajillion self-help books. It’s cliché.

The what of happiness is not the hard part. The how is the hard part. As a million deathbed testimonials have taught us, when we look back on our lives, we won’t wish we’d worked harder, maintained Inbox Zero, finished those reports on deadline, gotten more promotions, owned a nicer car. We’ll wish we’d spent more time appreciating the ones we love and who love us, that we’d done more meaningful work, that we’d traveled more and had more memorable experiences.

We all know this. But it is no easy matter to translate that knowledge into action. Why? Vaillant is insightful about that, too, as The Atlantic explains:

Vaillant [says] positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones. One reason is that they’re future-oriented. Fear and sadness have immediate payoffs—protecting us from attack or attracting resources at times of distress. Gratitude and joy, over time, will yield better health and deeper connections—but in the short term actually put us at risk. That’s because, while negative emotions tend to be insulating, positive emotions expose us to the common elements of rejection and heartbreak.

Gratitude and joy are emotions we can muster when we don’t feel threatened, when our lizard brain calms and our prefrontal cortex takes over. But it’s very difficult when our egos feel under siege. Relationships are more meaningful the more we open and extend ourselves (and are reciprocated), but our degree of openness is also our degree of vulnerability. Often we close off, deciding, consciously or not, that it’s not worth the risk of getting hurt; our lizard-brain fear overpowers us.

We cannot control this dynamic entirely. As the Atlantic piece explains, researchers believe that about 50 percent of our happiness is determined by our internal “set point,” which is shaped by genetics and early childhood and mostly fixed in place. About 10 percent is determined by circumstances. But that other 40 percent comes from how we react to circumstances, and over that we do have some control.

We can learn to detach from fear and anger, to let them go, to take deep breaths, return our focus to the present, and choose positive emotions. That, as I wrote yesterday, is what mindfulness is all about. It’s what the entire discipline of positive psychology (which counts Vaillant as a founding father) is about: strengthening the prefrontal cortex so that it’s more able to override instinctual fear and anger. The more inclement the circumstances we face, the more we need it. That’s why mindfulness training is catching on in low-income communities, the military, and elderly care.

So when people ask, as they have many times in the last week, “What did you learn over your break?” … the honest answer is, nothing. I already knew the what of happiness, just as you already know it. The break was about more consciously practicing the how, and on that score I’m afraid I have no grand epiphanies, only a few baby steps down a road I’ll be walking all my life.

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The original Grist article was headed with a picture of a group of happy dogs and it seemed almost an automatic response from me to close today’s post with a picture of happy dogs here in Oregon. But rather obvious, don’t you think!

Instead, I’m going to use a photograph of me being ‘loved’ by Ben so soon after he came to us in April; Ben being one of the two horses (Ben and Ranger) to come here that were rescued by Darla Clark, as explained here.

Now going to offer my own reflection on happiness.

Animals that are comfortable being around us readily display unconditional affection to humans. All that these dogs, cats, horses, and others, require is trust in us. The knowledge that we are there to care for them, to comfort them, to cuddle them, to love them for the majority of the interactions between the person and the creature. That doesn’t rule out chastisement, far from it, just that it comes from a heartfelt desire to care for the animal.

I now have a life surrounded by loving animals. It has been that way since I started living with Jean back in 2008. Yes, I had had Pharaoh in my life since 2003. Still have him; the precious animal. But the one-on-one bond that existed between Pharaoh and me hadn’t previously opened my heart in the way that all 14 dogs and 5 cats did that were living with Jean when I joined her.

The unconditional love shown by those animals in my life for the last six years has profoundly affected me. We are now ‘down’ to 9 dogs and 4 cats plus we have the 4 horses (2 rescue quarter-horses and 2 miniature horses). Still there are very few moments in the whole of my day, either day or night, where I am not in the company of, or in contact with, an animal that offers me unconditional love.

Recall earlier in the David Roberts article: “We are happiest when we have a place in the world, when we love and are loved, when we make the most of our gifts.“

Of course, I have ‘off’ days!

But down to my core, I know that being loved by Jean and all the animals and returning that love provides me with a deep happiness unimaginable prior to 2008.

“It is better to have a heart that makes love than a mind that makes sense.” Robert Keck

Unanticipated consequences!

Who would have believed it!

Way back in July 2012, I posted the following item.

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Dear Readers of Learning from Dogs.

Today, Jeannie and I are off on a trip to Oregon.

We expect to be away for about the next 10 or 11 days.

While there are a number of new posts that will come out during this period, rather than have quiet days with nothing being posted, some days I will be republishing posts from the last three years; hopefully most of them new to your eyes.

Inevitably, responding promptly to comments will be tough.

Which is why I am so grateful to Martin Lack of Lack of Environment who graciously agreed to keep an eye on things while we are away.

Punch-Bowl-Falls_-Columbia-River_-Oregon — The Punch Bowl Falls, Columbia River, Oregon

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That was twenty-six months ago.

Yesterday morning, Jean and I took Reggie and Chris down to our creek area to feed some wild deer that have been congregating in recent days.

After Jean had sprinkled some cracked corn on the ground, one of the seven deer around us started feeding and when it looked up at me, I took the following picture.

Can’t ever imagine living anywhere else now.

Funny how life runs!

Seeds of thought.

Two very different perspectives.

I’m writing this post a short while after midnight (UTC) on the morning of Tuesday, 23rd September. In other words, 00:00 UTC 23/9/2014. (I hasten to add that the local time in Oregon is late afternoon Monday!)

In approximately three hours time it will be the moment of the September Equinox, or 02:29 UTC on the 23rd to be precise. The planet Earth has been in orbit around the sun for a very long time! It’s almost beyond comprehension how long the Solar System has been the way it is.

All of which constitutes my introduction to a recent beautiful post over at Sue Dreamwalker. Kindly republished with her gracious permission.

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Planting a Seed … A Thought!

William Blake, said:

“that everything that now exists was once imagined,”

Wayne Dyer said:

“So, if you want something to exist, you must first be able to imagine it.”

Each of us have a chance of planting new seeds.. Yet we so often never have the courage to pick them out of our minds to plant them with intention into our reality… Those who do have the courage may see how from their tentative thoughts ideas grew beyond their wildest dreams… I bet Alexander Graham Bell never in his wildest dreams would have thought how his invention would now be in everyone’s pocket!.

But we need to have the courage to take those first steps and plant them..

Like all seeds they take time to germinate, so too with our ideas we often wonder why our wishes are not fulfilled.. All too often we sabotage them before they even begin to grow roots. How?, because we doubt our own capabilities and we say we are far from worthy of success. Telling ourselves we are never lucky.. and its bound to fail.. So we poison the very idea, so the seed withers even before it gets a chance to grow..

Our subconscious mind is an incredible tool, it possess the power to manifest from our thoughts to bring them into our physical reality. You only have to take a look around the room you are now in, and see that every thing in it was once someone’s thought, even the paint upon the walls… An idea born, brought into reality from that first seed of an idea..

I have just finished a book the second time in reading it, I think this time its message really hit home. As I see how I have sabotaged many such seeds in the past. The Book is called Wishes Fulfilled By Wayne Dyer, listen to his talk HERE upon the subject of Wishes Fulfilled.

‘Thoughts become things when you Feel them’ says Wayne Dyer, In the past I have often experienced frustration, Anger, worry, stress. These I have amplified with my ‘Feelings’ as the frustration of helplessness, or horror at how brutal we can be to one another have overshadowed my thoughts..

We need to reprogrammed ourselves to think differently about ourselves and the World..

Seeds are sown, every day within our minds.. What sort of seeds are you sowing within your own mind? Which type of thoughts are you cultivating?

My last simple post World Peace! Just Imagine got reblogged 6 times!. I got more traffic today than for a long while.. People Do want Peace, and yet how many of us are being manipulated into getting caught up in Conflict? We are part of it every time we read a Newspaper, every time we watch the Media News, Every time we join in Gossip, every time we Judge another. Every time we argue, even with ourselves, We are creating yet more Conflict , more Negative Energy in the World.

Our very thoughts Create…

Let us Create the Future we each wish to Live in..

Have a Brilliant Thought Provoking and Harmonious Week!

Blessings

~Sue~

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So wherever you are in the world, take a moment to look up into the sky and marvel at it all. As one of Sue’s followers remarked, “ ….. Equinox is an excellent time to focus on the seed ideas for the future.“

Finally, the link that Sue included in the sentence, “The Book is called Wishes Fulfilled By Wayne Dyer, listen to his talk HERE upon the subject of Wishes Fulfilled.” took you to a YouTube video. It is below because I know many will want to listen to Wayne Dyer’s important words.

From seeds grow great futures.

A welcome and understandable distraction.

We have family guests with us for the next seven days.

Jean’s brother, Reg, and his lady are arriving today so for a while blogging will be less of a priority than usual.

Although I have spoken to Reg over the telephone on numerous occasions, this will be the first time we have met and I am looking forward to better knowing him.

Thus, as in previous times when we have had friends and family staying with us, I will be reposting popular items from previous times on Learning from Dogs, or republishing things that have caught my eye in recent days.

As with today’s post.

Reg, shares the same birth year as me: 1944!

Thus we are staring over the edge of our eightieth decade!

So this short talk by Isabel Allende seems like a worthwhile topic for today!

Published on Sep 3, 2014
Author Isabel Allende is 71. Yes, she has a few wrinkles—but she has incredible perspective too. In this candid talk, meant for viewers of all ages, she talks about her fears as she gets older and shares how she plans to keep on living passionately.

Want to know more about Isabel Allende? Her website is here.

Yet another thing we can learn from dogs! Living passionately right up to the last days.

Pharaoh, age 88 years in human equivalent, passing on his wisdom to Oliver, age 3 in human terms. — Pharaoh, age 88 in human equivalent years, passing on his wisdom to Oliver, age 3 in human terms. Makes being 70 look a doddle!

Harvest Moon 2014

Sorry, couldn’t resist this.

The following photograph was taken around 9pm (PDT) on the evening of the 8th September; i.e. Monday evening.

The image has been tweaked to display the picture more clearly but, nonetheless, shows the most beautiful Harvest Moon. The camera was pointing to the East; I was standing on the deck at the back of our house.

Anything to do with dogs?

You bet! There’s this ….

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and this:

Uploaded on Nov 9, 2010
During Bob and Jan Shaw’s Annual fall training session outside of Newberry, MI in the beautiful Upper Peninsula, I had the opportunity to record over 100 huskies howling at a full moon.

“We all shine on…like the moon and the stars and the sun…we all shine on…come on and on and on…” John Lennon.

More yawning!

This time from dogs

Two days ago, I wrote a post Empathy and bonding that revolved around some recent science about yawning in wolves. The crux of the post was an essay in the Smithsonian by Helen Thompson. The article was called Yawning Spreads like a Plague in Wolves.

In my research for that post, I came across another Smithsonian article regarding the contagious nature of yawning in dogs. I wanted to republish that here as a follow-up to the yawning in wolves piece.

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Dogs Yawn Contagiously Too

Like humans, dogs are prone to yawning when they see someone else do it—and a new study shows that they yawn most frequently in response to their owner.

By Joseph Stromberg
smithsonian.com
August 7, 2013

dog-1 — New research shows that, like humans, dogs are prone to yawning when they see someone else do it—and they yawn most frequently in response to their owner. Image via Flickr user The Eggplant

Animals: they’re just like us. They have unique, individual personalities. They remember their friends after years apart.

And now, in one of the most groundbreaking scientific discoveries of the decade—and perhaps even the century—researchers from the University of Tokyo have discovered that, like humans, dogs yawn contagiously.

Okay, we kid. But in all seriousness, the finding does shed a bit of light on that most mysterious of behaviors, the yawn. Despite years of research, scientists still don’t understand why we do it in the first place. Most believe we yawn to help cool down when our brains are overheated. The fact that yawning is contagious in 60 to 70 percent of people, many argue, is a function of empathy, as people who score higher on empathy tests are more likely to experience contagious yawning.

In the new study, published today [Ed. August 7th, 2013] in PLOS ONE, the researchers found that more than half the dogs they tested yawned contagiously—and, most interesting, they were more likely to yawn after watching their owner yawn than seeing it done by an unfamiliar human. If empathy truly is at the heart of contagious yawning, these findings could suggest that canines, too, are capable of true empathy.

dsds — Image via Flickr user The hills are alive

This isn’t the first study to show that dogs yawn contagiously, but it is the first to get the dogs’ owners involved. The researchers visited the homes of 25 dogs from different breeds (ranging from golden retrievers to labs to chihuahuas) and had their owners sit in front of them, call their name, and then yawn. For a control, they also had their owners simply open and close their mouths, without a yawn’s characteristic jaw-stretching, deep inhalation or long sigh. As a comparison, they also had people that the dogs had never met before perform both actions. (Incidentally, the paper is vague on how they got the owners and strangers to yawn—although, as you might have discovered since starting this post, simply reading about yawning might have done the trick.)

In total, the 25 dogs yawned 22 times after seeing people yawn, and just 5 times after seeing people open and close their mouths. They were nearly three times more likely to yawn contagiously after seeing their owner yawn as compared to seeing a random person do it. This last finding, they say, provides further evidence for the role of empathy in yawning, as dogs are presumably more likely to empathize with their owners than another person.

Why would empathy be the explanation for why yawns are contagious? As social animals, humans often inadvertently copy the emotions and behaviors of those around them, whether it’s a smile or a frown.

Yawns, presumably, are no exception. And if the underlying function of yawning is to dissipate heat and cool the brain down, mimicking the yawns of others would make a lot of sense. “If I see a yawn, that might automatically cue an instinctual behavior that if so-and-so’s brain is heating up, that means I’m in close enough vicinity, I may need to regulate my neural processes too,” Steven Platek, a psychology professor at Georgia Gwinnett College, told my colleague Marina Koren in her recent post on the science of yawning.

Other work has found that chimpanzees yawn contagiously. That research, along with the new finding, suggests that to some extent, chimps and dogs operate based on the same sorts of social cues as we do.

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What more can I add!

Especially with a yawn coming up! (A younger version of me, you do understand!)

Empathy and bonding.

Who would have thought that yawning revealed so much more than one’s tonsils!

Alex Jones, he of the blog The Liberated Way, recently posted You need room to grow. On reading the post a section stood out for me:

The human eye needs the stimulation of sunlight and the outdoors to develop properly. The BBC [Ed: Massive rise in Asian eye damage] reports that a recent study of students in South Asian cities found 90% of the samples were short-sighted, a condition called myopia that needs glasses. Modern South Asian students spend a large part of their lives indoors studying or involved with electronic technology such as the internet. Young children in the UK are rapidly getting myopia as young as three because of being indoors and on computers for long periods of time according to the Daily Mail.

That got me thinking about both the ‘old’ and ‘new’ styles of social bonding. In defence of our digital world, there is no question that social media programs (apps?) such as Facebook, Linked-In and Twitter are incredible means of communicating with people that one doesn’t know directly. Even the funny old world of blogging delivers that. I would have stopped writing for Learning from Dogs years ago if it weren’t for the many ‘friends’ that have been made across the ‘blogosphere’!

But (and you knew there was a ‘but’ coming, didn’t you!), social intimacy, as in being able to rub shoulders with people, is the vital core to how we ‘wear’ the world around us.

That was brought home to me by a recent article on the Smithsonian website, an article that I am taking the liberty of republishing in this place. The article is about the contagious nature of yawning; not just for us humans but for wolves.

Note: there were many links to other content in the article making it almost impossible to replicate. So please go to the original to follow up those links.

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Yawning Spreads Like a Plague in Wolves

Evidence of contagious yawning in chimps, dogs and now wolves suggests that the behavior is linked to a mammalian sense of empathy

By Helen Thompson smithsonian.com
August 27, 2014

Chimps do it, birds do it, even you and I do it. Once you see someone yawn, you are compelled to do the same. Now it seems that wolves can be added to the list of animals known to spread yawns like a contagion.

Among humans, even thinking about yawning can trigger the reflex, leading some to suspect that catching a yawn is linked to our ability to empathize with other humans. For instance, contagious yawning activates the same parts of the brain that govern empathy and social know-how. And some studies have shown that humans with more fine-tuned social skills are more likely to catch a yawn.

Similarly, chimpanzees, baboons and bonobos often yawn when they see other members of their species yawning. Chimps (Pan troglodytes) can catch yawns from humans, even virtual ones, as seen in the video below. At least in primates, contagious yawning seems to require an emotional connection and may function as a demonstration of empathy. Beyond primates, though, the trends are less clear-cut. One study found evidence of contagious yawning in birds but didn’t connect it to empathy. A 2008 study showed that dogs (Canis lupus familiaris) could catch yawns from humans, and another showed that dogs were more likely to catch the yawn of a familiar human rather than a stranger. But efforts to see if dogs catch yawns from each other and to replicate the results with humans have so far had no luck.

Now a study published today in PLOS ONE reports the first evidence of contagious yawning in wolves (Canis lupus lupus). “We showed that the wolves were able to yawn contagiously, and this is affected by the emotional bond between individuals, which suggests that familiarity and social bonds matter in these animals the same way as it does in humans,” says study co-author Teresa Romero, who studies animal behavior at the University of Tokyo.

The prevalence of contagious yawning in primates and other mammals could give us some clues to the evolution of empathy—that’s in part what makes the phenomenon so interesting and so controversial. If dogs can catch yawns from humans, did they pick up the behavior because of domestication, or does the trait run deeper into evolutionary history?

The Tokyo team took a stab at those questions by looking at contagious yawning in dog’s closest relatives, wolves. For 254 hours over five months, they observed twelve wolves (six males and six females) at the Tama Zoological Park in Tokyo. They kept tabs on the who, what, when, where, how many and how long of every yawn, then separated out data for yawns in relaxed settings, to minimize the influence of external stimuli.

Next, they statistically analyzed the data and looked for trends. They found that wolves were much more likely to yawn in response to another’s yawn rather than not, which suggests that contagious yawning is at play.

Smithyawning — In image A, an individual (right) yawned during a resting period, and a few seconds later, image B shows the subject (on the left) yawned contagiously. (Teresa Romero)

Wolves were more likely to catch the yawn if they were friends with the yawner. Females were also quicker on the yawn uptake when watching the yawns of those around them—possibly because they’re more attuned to social cues, but with such a small group it’s hard to say for sure.

The results seem to add to the case for empathy as the primary function of contagious yawning. “We have the strongest responses to our family, then our friends, then acquaintances, and so on and so forth,” says Matt Campbell, a psychologist at California State University, Channel Islands. “That contagious yawning works along the same social dimension supports the idea that the mechanism that allows us to copy the smiles, frowns and fear of others also allows us to copy their yawns.”

Empathy likely originated as an ancestral trait in mammals, and that’s why it emerges in such disparate species as wolves and humans. “More and more research is supporting this idea that basic forms of empathy are very ancient, and they are present in a wide number of species, at least in mammals,” says Romero. Elephants, for example, comfort their upset friends. Even rats exhibit a basic helping behavior toward other friendly rodents.

Why does contagious yawning between members of the same species show up in wolves and not dogs? The difference probably comes down to study design, not biology. “Most likely, dogs also catch yawns from [other dogs], as now shown for wolves,” says Elaine Madsen, a cognitive zoologist at Lund University in Sweden. Further studies might reveal the extent to which human interaction has affected present-day dogs’ susceptibility to catching another species’ yawns, she says.

It’s impossible to say what true function contagious yawning serves in wolves, but the researchers argue that such behavior could cultivate social bonds. “If an individual is not in sync with its group, it risks being left behind. That is not good,” says Campbell. Just watching wolves yawn can’t definitively prove that empathy drove the behavior, but it’s certainly compelling evidence that wolves might feel for their fellow lupines.

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Fascinating. As too is an article also on the Smithsonian website about dogs yawning. Going to republish that in a few days.

However, this post was prompted by the reminder that there is no substitute for social bonding with others who we meet physically. That is why the Smithsonian essay seemed such an important reminder. As was written (my emphasis):

Among humans, even thinking about yawning can trigger the reflex, leading some to suspect that catching a yawn is linked to our ability to empathize with other humans. For instance, contagious yawning activates the same parts of the brain that govern empathy and social know-how. And some studies have shown that humans with more fine-tuned social skills are more likely to catch a yawn.

The real you!

I am delighted to present the following guest post from Ruth Nina Welsh.

We seem to be on a bit of a roll in terms of seeking a better self-understanding.

Last Thursday I offered up some thoughts and reflections on meditation Quietening one’s self down and then the following day presented the film Inner worlds, Outer worlds, the wonderful film by Canadian film maker, musician and meditation teacher Daniel Schmidt. Daniel described his film “as the external reflection of his own adventures in meditation.” (And did you read the fascinating comments by ‘R’?)

Anyway, to today.

I forget how Ruth and I made contact with each other but that’s immaterial to today’s guest post. What is material is that we did make contact and through Ruth’s website I became aware of her talents. In her own words:

BE YOUR OWN COUNSELLOR & COACH shares psychology, memoirs and creativity to help and inspire you to live a happier, more fulfilling and purposeful life.

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WHO AM I? – I’m a freelance writer, specialising in lifestyle, wellbeing and self-help; a former counsellor & coach and an erstwhile musician. I have a diverse educational background – with degrees in arts and law – but psychology is my passion. You can find out more about me on my personal site.

As a singer-songwriter, I released my debut acoustic album – As I Breathe – in 2000.

As a counsellor and coach, I was in private practice from 2008-2011.

As a freelancer in the publishing field, I’ve been involved as an editor, formatter, copy-editor, proofreader and I’ve also managed book projects and manuscript submissions.

Now, as a freelance writer, I write articles and guest posts, and continue to build this free online self-help resource.

So back to the connection between Ruth and me.

A couple of weeks ago, Ruth asked me if I would like to publish an essay from her.

I read it and replied without hesitation that I would be honoured to publish said essay.

Thus with no further ado here it is. (And do read to the end to be informed about a very generous free offer from Ruth.)

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The Struggle To Be Authentic

Introduction

Of all the challenges we face in life, the struggle to be authentic is a vital one. It’s not always recognised that being authentic – being true to ourselves – is essential for our own wellbeing and happiness. We struggle with authenticity because it’s often hard to reveal the truth about how we feel. And, as strange as it may seem, sometimes we don’t even know how we truly feel. It can be painful and difficult to begin to speak from a place of truth and to unmask hidden feelings which may be covered over by years of denial, trauma and people pleasing.

How we learn to be authentic in childhood

Being authentic and true to ourselves is not innate; it’s something we learn how to do. We learn from those close to us as we grow up. As children we observe our parents, or others who care for us. We notice how truthful and genuine they are. We also learn that there is power in the gap between how we feel and what we actually reveal to others. During our childhood we sometimes find that it can be unwise to say what we honestly feel or think, it can get us into trouble. Bruising judgements from our parents can mean we stay quiet rather than speak up. If a parent constantly criticises and mocks us it’s likely that we’ll modify our behaviour around them. We’ll try to please them and avoid unnecessary pain by saying what they want to hear – even if this is not our own truth. Not being true to ourselves can also follow a traumatic event where we may feel the need to hide our feelings or bury painful grief. All of these things and more mean that, piece by piece, we can lose connection with ourselves and how we truly feel.

The struggle to be authentic in adulthood

As we leave childhood behind us we take the lessons we learn from it into our adult lives. If we felt unable to speak up truthfully when younger then this usually doesn’t change when we become an adult. We can find ourselves unable to speak up within an intimate relationship, downtrodden in our work life and unable to fully connect in our friendships. Over time, if we keep speaking the words only others want to hear – words that are not our own truth – we can lose touch with what we actually feel. We can lose touch with our true selves, our true desires and our true needs and wants. Having been a spokesperson for others for so long we can find ourselves lost and adrift, not knowing how we truly feel about anything, not knowing who we really are. And this can lead us to a treacherous place – living behind a mask, fearing disapproval, and not connecting at a genuine level with anyone. This damaging cycle will continue unless, or until, we see the need for change and realise that being authentic is vital for our own happiness and wellbeing.

Learning to be authentic

It’s difficult to be authentic when this has not been our normal way of being. We may have been used to white lies, outright untruths, or just unconsciously denying our own thoughts and feelings. We may have lived in a family where half-truths and masks were the norm. We may have had to hide our own feelings to survive. This is then our problem: without a template of truth-telling and speaking out in a genuine way, we often struggle to be authentic. We may even have to learn how to be honest and authentic from the bottom up.

Two steps to authenticity

As a starting point, our task is two-fold and can be seen in two distinct steps. Firstly, to find out how we actually feel about things and, secondly, to begin to reveal how we feel to others. This sounds straightforward but doing these two things can be intensely challenging. We are often beaten down by life, our words may have been ridiculed, our self-esteem may be low. We can feel worthless and feel that what we have to say doesn’t matter. If you are in this place, then the most important thing to understand, as a given, is that what you have to say does matter and you have a right to say it. Whatever you have learned in the past and whatever you have been told, know these vital, universal truths:

Each of us has value, has a voice, and we are entitled to speak out and have our own precious, individual opinions heard.

First Step: How do you feel?

With that as your starting point – that your true, individual voice matters – you can begin the first step: to find out how you actually feel. This can be easier said than done. You’ve spoken the words others wanted to hear for so long now that you may not actually know how you genuinely feel. To begin to make inroads into this takes time, an effort of will, and an increase in your own self-awareness. One of the easiest ways to begin this process is to record your thoughts, feelings and opinions down on paper. In a private way, in your own journal, you can start to look and search inside yourself for how you actually feel about things – what you believe, what your opinions are, what you want from life. You can uncover what your own personal likes and dislikes are – not to please others, but to please yourself. With time and patience your awareness will increase and you’ll begin to hear your own inner voice speak out. It may be a whisper at first, but, if nurtured, this will develop. Gradually you will begin to connect with your true self and start to know how you truly feel.

Second Step: Share how you feel

As you begin to know how you feel you can start to embark on the second step on the road to being authentic and true to yourself – revealing and sharing how you feel. You can begin to speak up for yourself and share your own beliefs and opinions. Your voice does not need to be loud or demanding, but with calm authority you can learn to speak out. This can be a difficult process at the beginning but try starting this process by speaking out in safe emotional surroundings. Find friends who are supportive and then begin to honestly and truthfully share your thoughts and feelings with them. As you begin to know how you feel, and start to voice your own opinions, you can create more meaningful relationships. You can connect at a deeper emotional level – from a place of truth and honesty.

Conclusion

It sounds simple, being true to ourselves, but it is a continual struggle and it is fraught with difficulty. Fraught with judgement, disapproval and fear. But the courageous speak out from a place of truth and in doing this they make deep, meaningful and honest connections. This impacts on all parts of a person’s life: from choices made to the quality of relationships enjoyed. Being authentic becomes a way of being, a way of life. With the voice of authenticity comes true connection and it is well worth the struggle it costs us. For if we are just a spokesperson for others, or a mouthpiece for others – fake, in other words – then what value and meaning can we attach to our own lives and to our relationships? And if we are not being true to ourselves and genuinely authentic in our words and deeds then who are we in this world and what is the point of our life?

ooOOoo

So to that special offer.

Ruth asked me to include this invitation for all readers of Learning from Dogs.

Simply if you go across to Ruth’s website Be Your Own Counsellor & Coach and sign up as an email subscriber, you will get the free ebook when it becomes available in the autumn!! The sign-up box is to the top right-hand corner of the home page, just above the following:

Free Ebook For Subscribers – Coming Autumn 2014

FREE to Subscribers. The first book in my series will be free to subscribers of this site and also available on Amazon as an ebook.

Subscribe above to receive this free book when it becomes available.

oooo

Being authentic?

Do you share your life with a dog? Learn!

Quietening one’s self down.

Not without a touch of serendipity.

I’m speaking of meditation.

That is all I seem to do when I approach the subject: speak and think about it but never do it!

However, I think I may be approaching a turning point. All thanks to a follower of Patrice Ayme’s blog. It was a comment from ‘R.’ in response to my question on this PA post. Here’s how the comments flowed (hope this isn’t too long-winded but I wanted to select all that seemed appropriate to the post):

R:

I run 5d/wk, and I notice my thinking/contemplation is “heightened” during cardio. I believe this is no different than the “high” you get when taking some drugs (mushroom, weed, etc).

Physical exercise also helps keep my rest of the day sharp. But this is just keeping the engine (physical body) fit, thus helps thinking straight. Nothing more.

Meditation/awareness is the main key. And you need some way to be in it 24/7, not just during (or little while after) exercise . And “calm and collected” is the way for it. You can sustain this through out the day, and even during sleep/dream states (according to advanced meditators). “Calm” not as in “looking at navel”; calm as in “focused, in control, zen-like”. This involves moral conditioning too, as it’s hard to be calm if you have any shred of fear. And the way to lose fear, is through ideal morals (aka dharma, natural law).

There are higher meditative states (permanent, sustained), humans can get into. Temporary highs are just that.

—-

Patrice:

R: To be answered mostly in a separate comment. Meditative states are numerous. They are even necessary to some physical activities. It can be called concentration in some cases. Deep diving in apnea is an example. There is a case when meditation is life saving. Miss the meditation, miss the resuscitation.paul, like any new habit, meditation takes time to cultivate. It is after all a life long endeavor of “understanding one’s self”. It is easier if we dont view it as some new task (or half-hour daily exercise in navel-gazing).

—-

Me:

Having re-read the essay and others’ comments, causes me to speak a little about my own short-term memory failings. I’m 70 later this year and in the last, oh I don’t know ( can’t remember 😉 ), 2 or 3 years, my ‘event’ memory has declined dreadfully. But it’s not uniform. Even after 2 years, I still struggle to find certain shops in nearby Grants Pass but do recall clearly when our bridge washed out after we moved into the house in October, 2012.

There is no discernible pattern, and other men of my general age frequently suffer the same way.

If there were mental exercises that helped stem this problem, I would love to know more; assuming I could remember the details!

—-

R:

If i may, try meditation. A simple meditation exercise is just to be aware of yourself in all activities you do (initially we find ourselves lost often, but if you keep at it, soon % of being with yourself greatly exceeds losing self. calm, control and clarity is developed.). A good barometer/progress is to see if the daily activities drive you, or you drive the daily activities.

Of course physical exercises/fitness are absolute minimum. For old-age i would recommend yoga (fancy word for stretching and proper breathing)

Meditation while doing yoga with proper breathing (pranayama) gives out of this world results (this whole process is collectively called “yoga”).

And you can “be in it” 24/7 (as yoga includes sitting, sleeping poses too; It just an art of proper physical + mental positioning through out the day).

If eastern keywords are disturbing, ignore those. Just like everything else, the more you do something, the more you become that. This is particularly (exponentially) true for mind stuff.

—-

Patrice:

R: Paul is obviously a very reflective person. I do not exactly know what would be the distinctive definition(s?) between reflective and meditative states. I do know, though, that some sports (solo climbing and apnea) require total neurological control.

R:

Reflection/contemplation/meditation all of these help in mind (habits, inertia, anything thats limiting/holds-back) transformation.

Meditation is reflection on self. Reflection on daily activities takes time away from reflection on self. Increasing self awareness makes apparent all blind spots (wisdom).

If you are a physically able, healthy human, almost all your problems (aka “suffering”) are mind related. Physical body (including physical brain) just needs basic (of course healthy) sustenance.

Me:

R, yes I concur entirely about the majority of ‘problems’ being mind related. I have on my bookshelf next to me Roy Masters’ book ‘How Your Mind Can Keep You Well – An Introduction to Stress Management.

But if there’s one thing I would like to crack is starting and maintaining a programme of meditation. So many have recommended this approach and, rationally and emotionally, I know it will offer benefits. However, for some reason I can’t translate that ambition into actually starting.

Would love to listen to your advice about how to get started. You don’t have a blog do you? If not, fancy writing a guest post for Learning from Dogs! 😉 Contact details on the home page.

(Sorry Patrice – didn’t mean to hog the channel!)

Patrice:

Hog all you want, Paul. Even when I disagree with you, I find you interesting. Meditation and memory are vast questions. I pointed out that too much memory could be bad, basically. The first thing to get good memory, is to stop stressing about it, and thinking about what we really care about, without getting drawn to, and drowned, in formalism.
PA

R:

Paul, If you are just looking for basic stress relieving meditation, this one looks good.

‘R’ then very kindly sent me the following:

To permanently establish this habit, first our mind needs to be convinced of the benefits.

Like any hobby, we need to develop an interest in the topic. And this means reading up on theory, on what is mediation, why do we need it, what happens if we pretend it doesn’t exist.

There are different styles of meditation, and different end goals, different schools of thought.

Self-inquiry is my preferred approach, as it’s the only thing you can rely on (your own self). There is a lot of literature on this. But all of this is just food for thought, nothing more.

There is also vast Buddhist literature: you can ignore all the theology and just focus on basics. Theory becomes a burden , so all conceptual knowledge has to be discarded. So I don’t advocate any philosophy or sect or schools of thought: Only believe in your realisations.

The end-goal of all this is full wisdom; reality as-is; liberation (end of suffering); control of one’s self; “the world is truly yours”; you are capable of handling anything; you can exercise “real free-will”; you are at ease being you; your knowledge will be flaw-less; and, finally, you will naturally empathise with others (as you will be aware what others are going through).

This is not some mumbo-jumbo, you will realize and experience it for your self.

This is about wisdom as in practical common-sense.

I am totally convinced by those heartfelt words. I’m sure there are others who, like me, have talked about meditation but done no more, hence me sharing this with you.

Anything to learn from dogs?

Are you kidding!

oooo

Pharaoh demonstrating the art of contemplation.

oooo

My case rests!

Sorry to repeat myself, but ..

… I just want you to know something!

That is how grateful I am to all of you followers of Learning from Dogs. Every single one of you.

It seemed just yesterday that I wrote a post offering my gratitude that there were now 1,000 followers of my humble scribblings. In fact, the post was dated the 12th May.

Yesterday afternoon the number of dear followers had risen to 1,085. Amazing!

But here’s the reason I’m writing this.

The vast majority of followers are bloggers themselves. It’s easy for me to pop along to ‘their place’ and leave a thank-you note.

But in recent days, there have been a number of new subscribers who are not bloggers and that makes it almost impossible for me to say ‘thank you’ directly.

So to those new subscribers who are not bloggers, and everyone else: Thank You!

The secret to a happy life: revealed!

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From seeds grow great futures.

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Free Ebook For Subscribers – Coming Autumn 2014

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