Category: Humour

Tad too much cabin pressure!

A short pencil is better than a long memory.

The origins of this saying seem to have disappeared in the mists of time but it’s a rare person that doesn’t write a list from time to time.  But when it comes to critical processes, having a list, or better known as a ‘checklist’ is essential to completing the process correctly.

With that in mind, then let me introduce you to a story recently sent to me by old friend Dan Gomez.

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I’ve always done it this way!

This is an example of what happens when we do not pay attention to detail, and do not follow instructions and checklists!

A KC-135 Aircraft was being pressurized at ground level. The outflow valves which are used to regulate the pressure of the aircraft were capped off during a 5-year overhaul and never re-opened. The post-investigation revealed that a civilian depot technician who “had always done it that way” was using a homemade gauge, and no procedure.

Apparently, the technician’s gauge didn’t even have a max “peg” for the needle, so it was no surprise he missed it when the needle went around the gauge the first time.

As the technician continued to pressurize the aircraft with the needle on its second trip around the gauge there was a “boom”.  One KC-135 went bang!  Indeed, the rear hatch was blown over 70 yards away, through a blast fence!

An incident like this is never funny and is further regrettable when we consider that this mistake is one that we taxpayers will end up paying for. Fortunately, no one was reported as being injured.

This was a good “Lessons Learned” for making sure we have trained people, with the correct tools, and who are following detailed procedures. It should serve as a reminder that just because you’ve always done it that way, it does not make it the “right” way!

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Now where did I leave that pencil!

Those changing ways of communicating.

Regular followers of Learning from Dogs will recall that on Monday 24th September, Alexa Russell published a guest post under the title of The changing ways in which humans communicate.

Thus it seemed entirely appropriate to continue the theme of communications change with this story sent to me by a very good friend, who asked to remain anonymous!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vordskontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil b e no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

No offence meant and apologies if any caused!

More seeing life

Sent in by John H.

As he wrote,

This is why we cannot let our newspapers go out of business… the light entertainment they provide is priceless!

Just wonderful – thanks John.

Making politics more fun!

Another pearl sent in by Neil Kelly.

If you are unfamiliar with who Mr. Clegg is then this website will explain all.

Sorry, remind me of that again!

Getting forgetful seems another fascinating aspect of ‘growing up’!

This has turned out to be a Neil Kelly week-end on Learning from Dogs.  Yesterday, there was his gorgeous jig-saw joke.  Today, the following cartoon, sent to me by Neil.

Let me leave you with one of my favourite sayings, “I remember everything, except those things I forget!

A golden future ahead!

Another priceless jewel from Neil Kelly.

Neil is one of those people that sees the world around him through different eyes than the rest of us.  It shows up in the form of the most exquisite sense of humour.  If you don’t remember Neil’s view of Village Life posted a few months ago, then do go there now!

So with that as an introduction, enjoy the following.

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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?

The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh,

…………

Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.

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Wonderful!  Thanks Neil!

Another view from the ‘top’!

A perfect companion to yesterday’s post.

I published a wonderfully funny piece yesterday sent to me by Lindy C. from Devon.  Today, another precious senior’s tale sent to me by Richard Maugham, he of the Understanding Europe post.

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

He replies, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.

The police officer asks, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?

He said, “My wife.

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Have a great Sunday wherever you are!

The unmissable view from the ‘top’!

You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”  George Bernard Shaw.

Recently sent to me by Lindy C. from Devon, England.

This  is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

 

WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?”  The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Madam“,  said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until  tomorrow, on SUNDAY.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as Madam was heard to mutter under her breath, “Well, shit, that explains why there was no one at church either!

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As British comedian Bob Monkhouse is reputed to have said, “Growing old is compulsory; growing up is optional.”  (NB. More fabulous quotations from this naturally very funny man may be found here.)

On the subject of Bob Monkhouse, let me close with this video of Norman Wisdom appearing on the Bob Monkhouse Show back in 1983.  As one of the YouTube commentators put it, “Two of Britains funniest men; we will never seek their likes again.

Understanding Europe!

A delightful tale sent to me by Richard Maugham.

Richard and I go back too many years!  He has been a dear friend despite the obvious hurdle that when we first met, he declared that he was a typewriter salesman for Olivetti in the UK with me admitting that I was a typewriter salesman for IBM UK!  Here’s the story.

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WHAT WENT WRONG IN EUROPE – SIMPLY EXPLAINED!

Not Helga’s Bar!!

Helga is the proprietor of a bar. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers’ loans).

Word gets around about Helga’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer – the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Helga’s gross sales volumes and paper profits increase massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

He is rewarded with a six figure bonus.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These “securities” are then bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as “AA Secured Bonds” are really debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continue to climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.

The traders all receive six figure bonuses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga’s bar. He so informs Helga. Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons but, being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga’s 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Helga’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

They all receive a six figure bonus.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who’ve never been in Helga’s bar……………………….!

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I can add not a single word to this!