How one sees the world often depends on where one is coming from!
With thanks to friend Bob D. who passed this on.
Category: Jokes
Playing with words
Just something silly for the week-end, with thanks to John H. for forwarding it.
When chemists die, they barium.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The recent earthquake in Washington,DC was obviously the government’s fault.
Dog for sale – please help!
With grateful thanks to Alanna B. for sending me the details of this tragic case!
DOG FOR SALE:
A guy is driving around the back streets of Bristol, England.
He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale‘, so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?‘ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?‘
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. [Special Air Service or SAS is a corps of the British Army, Ed.]
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.‘
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’
‘Then I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.‘
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten quid,’ the guy says.
‘Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?‘
‘Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the garden all his life!’
It’s a crazy world!
With grateful thanks to Katie S.
Guess it makes sense to someone?
Civil War planes? Let me know how that works out.
Thought that was the point of camouflage?
“We had no idea anyone was buried there.”
I didn’t know we could choose?
Useful advice – would never have crossed my mind!
Please, anyone, if you’ve seen this man…??
Amazing! Who would have guessed that?
Funny? I thought the teens ended at age 20!
That’s neat! Imagine what he could do with two arms!
The magic of pets!
Dear friend Dan Gomez sent this to me on the 9th but I split it into two parts, covering yesterday and today. Then found that the first part didn’t Post correctly; the pictures were missing.
So both parts are today – enjoy!
oooOOOooo
Part One: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me!
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark,
check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more
perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation!
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”
12. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Cattle Dog:First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
14. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is: “How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
oooOOOooo
Part Two: Why God made pets!
They help out around the house…
They protect our children…
They look out for the smaller ones…
They show us how to relax…
They “converse” with each other.
They help you when you’re down…
They are great at decorating for the Holidays.
They have “great” expectations.
They are Patriotic.
They are happy to “test” the water.
They know who’s “BOSS.
AND – They know when we need a good LAUGH!
HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY? It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW…
NOW PASS IT ON, AND MAKE SOMEONE ELSE SMILE!!!
Big thank-you, Dan, but more to the point a big thanks to ‘SKF’ who sent it to you.
Changing that light bulb?
Apologies!
At 10:15 last night, I discovered that this Post is likely to be published with all the pictures missing. Operator error on my part.
So rather than delete it and you, dear reader, not know what had happened, I have left it as it is and will correct it by including the pictures for tomorrow, Sunday.
Dear friend Dan Gomez sent this to me on the 9th but I have split it into two parts, the concluding part will be tomorrow.
oooOOOooo
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
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Part Two tomorrow.
This is fun!
Something to keep you quiet for a while!
I’m told by the person who emailed this to me, thanks Cynthia, that there really is a cat in this picture. Haven’t spotted it myself!
Somewhere out there!
A delightful play on our preconceptions of nationalities.
Many thanks to Bob D. who sent this to me a few days ago.
SOMEWHERE …….. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun!
Just wonderful – big thanks to Bob for finding that!
A Reflective Thought
Another musing from Neil K.
I want to write a little more about Neil but, first, let me show you what he passed to me a few days ago.
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Jimmy Saville; now we’ve no jobs, no cash, no hope and no one to fix it.
I’m aware that there will be many people who read this who may not be familiar with Jimmy Saville and his long-running television programme Jim’ll Fix It. Here’s a taste of that programme,
Sir Jimmy was an amazing man and natural performer. More on his life later. Let me turn back to Neil.
Those of you who are regular readers of Learning from Dogs will have seen over the last few months a number of entries from Devon friend of many years, Neil K. Neil’s surname is Kelly, no relation to the infamous Ned Kelly! Do a search from the home page of the Blog for more of Neil’s contribtions. Or try this one, The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets.
Anyway, Neil has very kindly offered to contribute on a regular basis and, of course, I welcomed that with open arms. So a big ‘thank you’ from me and I’m sure many others will look forward to Neil’s contributions. Neil is updating his website, at which point I will ask Neil to say a little more about himself.
Back to Jimmy Saville.
Saturday smile
Once again, indebted to Neil K’s wonderful creativity and sense of humour!
Learning from Dogs 