Cats and Dogs

As a follow-up to Paul’s post on cats, I found this on the internet, but there was no reference to the author. Whoever it was does, however, deserve the credit rather than me, who am merely a transferer on to a wider public of such gems as I stumble across during my surfing.

If anyone knows who wrote this I would be more than delighted to acknowledge his or her genius.

Peek into a dog’s diary …

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm- Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milkbones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Peek into a cat’s diary …

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. All though I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now……….

Just chilling out …

Cats in Physics

1 – Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 – Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 – Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 – Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

5 – Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 – Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 – Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 – Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 – Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 – Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11 – Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

12 – First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 – Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

14 – Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15 – Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16 – Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17 – Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 – Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 – Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 – Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21 – Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22 – Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23 – Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24 – Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25 – Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

26 – Law of cat reading: Cats pretend to be really short sighted and evince the need to read a newspaper by lying on it while you are attempting to read it.

27 – Law of cat antipathy: Any cat will immediately sense a person who doesn’t like cats and go and sit on their lap.

28 – Law of cat confinement: A cat will always have its kittens in the warmest possible place, usually in your bed while you are sleeping.

29 – Law of Sleeping: A cat sleeps every day for 24 hours minus the time it takes to wheedle food out of you and eat it ..

By Chris Snuggs

29 thoughts on “Cats and Dogs

  1. how did my moms photo end up here ? those are her cats muffin & bootsie… taken off her facebook page.

  2. I was wondering where those cats in the picture came from. I lost a pregnant girl cat, Leelu, during a move and never found her. The adult cat looks very much like her, and the kitten very much like my roommates boy cat. Please let me know. Thank you and take care. Caite

    1. That was a post written by Chris, who no longer is an author on Learning from Dogs. May be difficult for me to find an answer to your question, but thanks for stopping by nonetheless, Paul

      1. I found this on the internet and can’t remember where. (Apologies to the orignal author – I would cretid you if I knew who you were ……. ) As for your remark abour resemblances, I am afraid that cats and especially kittens remind me of Reagan’s “See one tree, seen ’em all” and also that it is fortunate that cats do not commit murder as it would be nigh on impossible for me at least to pick out any culprit in a line-up.

      2. Goodness, a blast from the past! How are you? Drop me an email with an update including a good contact number for you (landline). Will catch up with you. P.

    1. Denise, thanks for your interest in Learning from Dogs and for your comment. For fairly obvious reasons that Post has been the top post for months and months! Best wishes, Paul

  3. Very funny! Almost makes me want a cat! They are very curious animals, and so pretty. My mother was afraid of them and my son can’t stop sneezing with a cat in the house, so I’ve never had the privilege of owning, or rather, being owned by one.

    I once let one stay with me for a week, while it’s owner was away. Wow! What a time I had. I let it sleep in my extra room, where there was a nice bed. The cat spent the week on the window seal, until my nephew came for a visit. Was the first time he ever visited me. When I opened the bedroom door, to show him his bed, well, the sight was unbearable. The cat remained on the window seal, watching us, but had spilled it’s guts all over the bed. My nephew left and went to a hotel! I tried telling him that I really wasn’t a cat person, that it was not my cat, and such a thing had never happened before. He would have nothing to do with the notion of spending the night at my house after seeing what that otherwise nice cat did to my mattress.

    Dogs don’t do stuff like that. Woof 🙂
    dogkisses

    1. Dearest Michelle, I’m not so sure about dogs not throwing up on the mattress! If they don’t do that, they certainly find other charming ways of leaving their body fluids around the place! I woke at 5.10 am this morning to the sound of our puppy GSD, Cleo, having a nice, long pee on the bedroom carpet!

      Lovely story from you!

      Paul

  4. Great put up Paul !!! You have so convincingly and hilariously presented the salient differences between dogs and cats.The pure independent personality of the cats and the faithful attachment of dogs to their masters/mistresses.
    I so much enjoyed it ; Thaaaaank U !!!
    Warm greetings
    Doda

  5. One of the best things I’ve read for a while.

    The dogs diary sums up exactly why for as long as I can remember I’ve thought it would be fantastic to be a dog 🙂

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