Category: Humour

Saturday smile!

An old one but still made me laugh – yes, I know, there’s no accounting for taste!

And a big thank-you to Cynthia S for passing this on.

MARY’S  CRUISE SHIP DIARY

DEAR DIARY –  DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses,  swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really  exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip.  It will be my first one, – and I can’t wait!

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DEAR  DIARY – DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful.  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR  DIARY – DAY 3

At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf  balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR  DIARY – DAY 4

Won  $800.00 in the ship’s casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR  DIARY – DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.  Again I declined.  He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship…  I was shocked.

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DEAR  DIARY – DAY 6

Today I saved the lives of all 2,600 passengers and crew!

 

 

Twice.

The selflessness of Mary has me in deep awe!

Don’t you just love this Doctor!

With grateful thanks from Neil K. in Devon for another gem.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q
 : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And another Saturday smile

With enormous thanks to Neil K. in Devon for forwarding these,

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

From otters to aliens!

Big shift of topic from yesterday!

Yesterday, I wrote about the fabulous success of the British otter having gone from the crumbling edge of extinction to now being found in every English county.

For something completely different, and I do mean completely, have a read of this item that appeared in the British Guardian newspaper of the 18th August.

Aliens may destroy humanity to protect other civilisations, say scientists

Rising greenhouse emissions could tip off aliens that we are a rapidly expanding threat, warns a report

It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth’s atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

This highly speculative scenario is one of several described by a Nasa-affiliated scientist and colleagues at Pennsylvania State University that, while considered unlikely, they say could play out were humans and alien life to make contact at some point in the future.

Shawn Domagal-Goldman of Nasa’s Planetary Science Division and his colleagues compiled a list of plausible outcomes that could unfold in the aftermath of a close encounter, to help humanity “prepare for actual contact”.

In their report, Would Contact with Extraterrestrials Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis, the researchers divide alien contacts into three broad categories: beneficial, neutral or harmful.

Beneficial encounters ranged from the mere detection of extraterrestrial intelligence (ETI), for example through the interception of alien broadcasts, to contact with cooperative organisms that help us advance our knowledge and solve global problems such as hunger, poverty and disease.

Another beneficial outcome the authors entertain sees humanity triumph over a more powerful alien aggressor, or even being saved by a second group of ETs. “In these scenarios, humanity benefits not only from the major moral victory of having defeated a daunting rival, but also from the opportunity to reverse-engineer ETI technology,” the authors write.

Other kinds of close encounter may be less rewarding and leave much of human society feeling indifferent towards alien life. The extraterrestrials may be too different from us to communicate with usefully. They might invite humanity to join the “Galactic Club” only for the entry requirements to be too bureaucratic and tedious for humans to bother with. They could even become a nuisance, like the stranded, prawn-like creatures that are kept in a refugee camp in the 2009 South African movie, District 9, the report explains.

The most unappealing outcomes would arise if extraterrestrials caused harm to humanity, even if by accident. While aliens may arrive to eat, enslave or attack us, the report adds that people might also suffer from being physically crushed or by contracting diseases carried by the visitors. In especially unfortunate incidents, humanity could be wiped out when a more advanced civilisation accidentally unleashes an unfriendly artificial intelligence, or performs a catastrophic physics experiment that renders a portion of the galaxy uninhabitable.

To bolster humanity’s chances of survival, the researchers call for caution in sending signals into space, and in particular warn against broadcasting information about our biological make-up, which could be used to manufacture weapons that target humans. Instead, any contact with ETs should be limited to mathematical discourse “until we have a better idea of the type of ETI we are dealing with.”

The authors warn that extraterrestrials may be wary of civilisations that expand very rapidly, as these may be prone to destroy other life as they grow, just as humans have pushed species to extinction on Earth. In the most extreme scenario, aliens might choose to destroy humanity to protect other civilisations.

“A preemptive strike would be particularly likely in the early phases of our expansion because a civilisation may become increasingly difficult to destroy as it continues to expand. Humanity may just now be entering the period in which its rapid civilisational expansion could be detected by an ETI because our expansion is changing the composition of the Earth’s atmosphere, via greenhouse gas emissions,” the report states.

“Green” aliens might object to the environmental damage humans have caused on Earth and wipe us out to save the planet. “These scenarios give us reason to limit our growth and reduce our impact on global ecosystems. It would be particularly important for us to limit our emissions of greenhouse gases, since atmospheric composition can be observed from other planets,” the authors write.

Even if we never make contact with extraterrestrials, the report argues that considering the potential scenarios may help to plot the future path of human civilisation, avoid collapse and achieve long-term survival.

I am bound to say that if Mr Domagal-Goldman and his colleagues believe that spending time and money on the possible outcomes of contact with extraterrestrials is a good idea in these present times then I am minded about those other visitors from outer space who passed Planet Earth by because there were no signs of intelligent life!

Here’s Alex Jones on the topic …

Sunday smile

With grateful thanks to friend Neil K from South Devon, England for forwarding this to me.

How do you know when it is time to “hang up the car keys“?

I say, when your dog has this look on his face!

Butting in!

With thanks to Jean who gave me a photocopy of this image!

First we see just an ordinary dog ….

Just a dog.

then we see something that you can’t quite make out …

Sure I recognise this face??

Continue reading “Butting in!”

No comment needed

Except to thank Neil K. for passing it on.

Note: almost certainly this image is copyright protected, see here.

Understanding the European crisis

At last, an in-depth analysis of what is going wrong in Europe!

With grateful thanks to Neil K. for sending me this.

More Saturday smiles

With grateful thanks to Neil K. back in Devon, UK for passing me these wonderful pics.

Smile One

 

Smile Two

 

Smile Three

 

Smile Four