Category: Humour

Picture parade seventy-three

With grateful thanks to Tricia for sending these on.

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The following goes with the picture above. It has been published before but so what! It deserves repeated postings!

“Dogs Welcome”

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

SIR: “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or steal pictures off the walls or use them as a coloring book. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

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You all have a great week and keeping loving those dogs of yours!

Obedience, or not!

Sent to me by Dan Gomez.

It’s a classic!

Published on Nov 21, 2014
This adorably clueless golden retriever from Finland clearly has his priorities in the right order.

You can really see his thought process. “Okay, get ready, don’t f*** this up, she’ll tell you to go and you’ll go…come on, you trained for this..ALRIGHT GO..”
“..OH BALL, OH FOOD, TOY, FOOD, THIS IS A MAGICAL ROAD OF GOODIES.”

No apologies for airing this advertisement!

Because it’s wonderful – just pure joy.

The official advertisement for the Fiat 500X (already viewed over 4.9 million times!)

Thanks Dan for sending it on to me.

Scottish blood in ma veins.

Share a smile with me!

Another long day of writing left me with little time to do anything other than go through my blog folder and pick out something delightful for today.  I didn’t have far to go, for dear friend, Bob Derham, recently sent me the following:

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, one that couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife and $100,000 US dollars.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate more of his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was a little disappointed that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture of more donated blood as he had the first time around.

He decided to telephone the Sheik and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.”

There was a pause and then the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins“.

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Don’t blame me! I just published it! 😉

There are dogs, and dogs, and Jesse!

As Dan said in the email to me that included the YouTube link ….

“If I ever get another dog, this is the one I want.”

It’s been watched over eleven million times, and no wonder!

Saturday sayings!

Courtesy of Bob Derham from back across the ‘pond’.

Sure you will love these just as much as Jean and I did!

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APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION, OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

  1. The nicest thing about the future is … that it always starts tomorrow.
  2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
  3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
  4. Seat-belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
  5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
  6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
  7. Business conventions are important … because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
  8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
  9. Scratch a cat …. and you’ll have a permanent job.
  10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
  11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
  12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. – like, it could be the right number.
  13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
  14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.
  15. Be careful about reading the fine print … there’s no way you’re going to like it.
  16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos – and rap music will be the Golden Oldies!
  18. Money can’t buy happiness – but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than in an old banger.
  19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead..
  20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind …. and the ones that mind don’t matter.
  21. Life isn’t tied with a bow … but it’s still a gift.

and REMEMBER …”POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.”

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Have a wonderful week-end!

Whoops!

Yesterday, I published a chapter from ‘the book’ under the title of The Power of Negativity.

However, as I contemplated a number of chapters coming along that, taken collectively, might seem out of place in a book that, essentially, offers a positive message, I decided an introduction was called for.

Thus in thirty minutes time that introduction is published.

I also realised that this introduction should have come before yesterday’s chapter on negativity.

So for those of you that might be following my draft, you poor souls, try and come at the Introduction as if it had been presented before The Power of Negativity.

Now for a complete change of topic!

Neighbour Dordie recently sent me the following.  Here’s Part One.

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The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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Weren’t they fun?!

Part Two later on this week.

A short essay on leather dresses!

Enjoy this mid-week giggle.

A very timely item sent to me by neighbour, Dordie.

I say timely because it was nearly 6pm before I stopped writing ‘the book’.  It was a tough day of research and cross-checking and seeking permission to republish essays from other authors and magazines.  That’s the reason that my next NaNoWriMo chapter is not being published in thirty minutes time.  Still waiting for some of those permissions.

So ‘thank you’ Dordie.

 

 

 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress…

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a man’s heart beats quicker…

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his throat gets dry…

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he gets weak in the knees…

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and he begins to think totally irrationally…

 

 

Ever stop to wonder why?

WELL …

It’s because she smells like a new car

Another Saturday smile.

Three bad nights have dented my creativity!

I had my surgical procedure for the removal of a benign prostatic enlargement (BPE) last Tuesday and was back home by 6pm.  However, having a catheter and a collection bag attached to me for Tuesday and Wednesday nights inhibited a decent night’s sleep. The catheter was removed on Thursday morning and I was confident of getting a good night.  Wrong! I found myself having to get up and pee more-or-less every hour of the night.  Apparently, according to the nurse to whom I spoke yesterday, my bladder would have still been extremely sore making any form of urine retention impossible.

All a long-winded way of me saying that my creative juices were non-existent when I wanted to get today’s post completed.

So please accept the following and hope it puts a smile on your face. (To make matters worse, I forgot which kind reader sent it to me!)

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MURPHY’S OTHER 15 LAWS

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  • The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  • God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Everyone have a great week-end.