Scoop information – direct from the Board Room

Given the plethora of comments on banking bonuses recently our intrepid reporter has managed to get access to a bankers’ board meeting to establish exactly how targets and bonuses are planned. His transcript is highly revealing of a complex system tightly geared to the bank’s activities and designed to give maximum incentive to those at the highest level.

So here you have it …..

Board Meeting at FatGreedyBankers, Limited (extremely)

Hello chaps. We’re here to set the targets for this year’s bonuses.

Jolly good, Sir Tosser. What did you have in mind?

Well, if the bank doesn’t actually go bankrupt we all get £1,000,000 quid. This is our baseline. Got to have a baseline ….. Then we get an extra £1,000,000 bonus for every £10 profit we make. What do you think?

I must say these are pretty stiff targets, Sir. As you know, the chances of going bankrupt are very high.

Yes, but then we get bailout money so we don’t have to worry about that.

No Sir. Well, I’m sure we all relish a challenge, don’t we chaps? Let’s go for it!

By Chris Snuggs

• Finance