Morning Perkins ….

Perkins? I know that look … what’s up?

Well Sir, it’s this Gulagov case, Sir.

Oh, you mean that child abuse thing …

Well, that seems an inadequate description, Sir.

Now come on Perkins. You know that these things happen down there in the underclass.

But this is more than the usual knocking-about of wives and kids that goes on Sir.

But it doesn’t do to over-sentimentalize things, Perkins.

I’m sorry, Sir, but do you actually know the details?

Details? Good God, man! I’m far too preoccupied with the broad sweep of politics to worry about details!

But it seems this tyrannical father actually starved several of his kids to death …

Goodness me, and there were we thinking New Labour had abolished poverty.

And there were apparently three other kids locked up in perpetuity; one of them subjected to horrendous torture ….

Locked up? What had they done?

They apparently answered back, Sir?

Answered back?

Yes, Sir …. and there’s more ….

There usually is with you Perkins.

Those who weren’t starved to death or locked up were subjected to a life of deprivation, misinformation and misery, Sir.

You mean they were British voters? (just a joke, Perkins …)

It’s not a laughing matter Sir. They had no access to proper food or health provision.

Sounds pretty normal for the mob to me, Perkins …

And then they were brainwashed; they could only see and hear what their father wanted them to see … they have no idea what is going on in the outside world, Sir ….

But the mob have always lived like that, Perkins – they do read “The Daily Mail” after all …

But you haven’t heard the worst, Sir!

Oh dear …

Last week two of the kids ran away. They managed to climb across the fence into the grounds of a major company on a neighbouring industrial estate. But a guard caught them and took them back to the tyrannical father, even though they were crying, emaciated and showed signs of malnutrition and harsh punishment ….

Goodness Perkins …. this does sound bad.

I’ve been investigating, Sir, and it seems that it is this has happened before and it is company’s policy to hand the kids back instead of trying to help them.

Well, one can’t interfere in private family matters, Perkins …. come on, let’s have a cup of tea and get on with the preparations for the election …

But I found out more, Sir …

Oh Dear, Perkins …. all right, tell me the worst!

Well Sir, it was all very well concealed, but I discovered that this large company that handed back the cruelly-treated children is the government’s largest supplier of cheap, rubbishy goods ……

Perkins! For goodness sake! They are NOT cheap and rubbishy … cheap perhaps …

So you KNOW about this company, Sir?

Of course Perkins …. as you said, they are our main supplier.

But they connive with child abuse, Sir …

Look Perkins, if we were to have a crisis of conscience over every single case of abuse we’d hardly be able to import anything, except from Canada, Switzerland, Germany and Sweden, and have you seen their prices?

But it’s not moral, Sir …

We try to avoid using this word in politics, Perkins. We would be on a sticky wicket on thin ice if we didn’t ….

But back in 1994 Robin Cook said that the new Labour Government would have an ethical policy on abuse …

Perkins, let me explain the difference between heady, overblown, post-election rhetoric and the real world of pragmatism … besides, Robin Cook died …..

So our pragmatism outweighs our morality?

Well, doing it the other way would only mean shooting ourselves in the wallet, Perkins ….

But it’s very sad, Sir!

Indeed, Perkins, but not for us, and that’s the main thing after all …. come on – put the kettle on ….

[For Gulagova family read North Korea; for large trading company read China, Ed.]

By Chris Snuggs