Tag: banks

Bankers’ Bonuses

Scoop information – direct from the Board Room

Given the plethora of comments on banking bonuses recently our intrepid reporter has managed to get access to a bankers’ board meeting to establish exactly how targets and bonuses are planned. His transcript is highly revealing of a complex system tightly geared to the bank’s activities and designed to give maximum incentive to those at the highest level.

So here you have it …..

Board Meeting at FatGreedyBankers, Limited (extremely)

Hello chaps. We’re here to set the targets for this year’s bonuses.

Jolly good, Sir Tosser. What did you have in mind?

Well, if the bank doesn’t actually go bankrupt we all get £1,000,000 quid. This is our baseline. Got to have a baseline ….. Then we get an extra £1,000,000 bonus for every £10 profit we make. What do you think?

I must say these are pretty stiff targets, Sir. As you know, the chances of going bankrupt are very high.

Yes, but then we get bailout money so we don’t have to worry about that.

No Sir. Well, I’m sure we all relish a challenge, don’t we chaps? Let’s go for it!

By Chris Snuggs

The Mystery of the Disappearing Ethics

The Dubai debt crisis raises fundamental questions.


UK banks account for half the £60billion of global loans to the debt-laden emirate, new statistics show.

Well done British banks ….. loads of loans built on sand … I suppose the words “conservative” and “prudent” didn’t get printed in the Banking Terminology dictionary?

So Britain, that Global Giant of the banking world, has half the dodgy loans? British banks are therefore as daft as the rest of the world put together? (Can someone check my maths!)

Oh, and why exactly were the banks lending money to SORDID DICTATORSHIPS? Would we have lent billions to Hitler’s Germany in 1937? What on earth happened to ETHICS in the financial world? I suppose lending to POOR countries who need it rather than the nasty, venal, corrupt dictatorships of the Middle East was right off the radar?

There is an obsession with the “Human Rights” of immigrants and others in Britain, but a complete and utter turning of  blind eyes to the slavery going on in the Middle East, as if it doesn’t concern us because it’s in “another far-off country of which we know little”. (Neville Chamberlain’s shameful explanation of his inaction over Hitler’s annexation of the Sudetenland in Czechoslovakia in 1936.)

Sorry, but “No Man is an Island” …. we can’t sign the UN Declaration of Human Rights on the one hand and then blithely lend money (the PEOPLE’S money) to countries that are treating people so terribly.

I hope Dubai goes bankrupt and our cretinous banks with it so that we can start again with people’s banks that have a modicum of honour and decency and are prepared to invest in democracies, not insanely greedy property developments based on dictators’ idle fantasies.

It wasn’t much different with Sadaam Hussein, whatever you think of the invasion. This was a man who – just to take one example – gassed to death 5,000 innocent men, women and children in one single village alone. Yet countries in the “free world” were secretly queuing up to do deals with him. One British government MP even went there and shook his hand, the hand that consigned hundreds of thousands of people to a horrible death.

Ecology? Apart from anything else, Dubai’s carbon emissions are pro rata 250% higher than the US, so much power goes into air-conditioning and desalination. Once again, the left hand doesn’t know or care what the right hand is doing. A British minister tells us to stop eating meat to save the world while British banks simultaneously rush to finance a humongously-profligate and obscenely-elitist project in the desert.

I sometimes wonder if we really deserve to survive Global Warming. Will it be God’s way of cleansing the Earth of an aberrant experiment in free will?

By Chris Snuggs