Tag: Perkins

Perkins and the Red Boxes

Current British Chancellor Alastair Darling has reverted to the original box first used by Gladstone in 1860.

Despite his trials at the ministry Perkins has been promoted!! Now he’s PA to the Chancellor, Gordon Brown. It’s now a few weeks before Budget day in 2005 …

“Perkins – the old red box looks a bit battered.”

“Well, it is 150 years old, Sir. It’s a sort of quaint British tradition.”

“Perhaps, but it’s not up to my modern, dynamic, ‘look to the future’ image. Please arrange to get some new ones made.”

“‘Some’, Sir? It’s only used once a year for a couple of hours.”

“Even so Perkins. We need a couple of spares and I must look the part. Besides, it’s a good opportunity to renew all the boxes used by other ministers. We should get a discount for quantity ….. Is there a problem?”

“Well Sir, the boxes are specially made, with lead and stuff so that if you are at sea and someone tries to get it you can chuck it overboard and it’ll sink.”

“Oh really Perkins! When am I going to be at sea with my budget?”

“No comment, Sir …”

“But we must move with the times, Perkins. What will this all cost?”

“About £400 a box, Sir – and about £60,000 to renew the lot!”

“Well there you go. A bargain.”

“But £60,000, Sir. We are already billions in debt!!

“Exactly. Compared to our existing debt £60,000 is a microscopic fleabite. See to it at once Perkins.”

“Of course, Sir. But are you sure? I could get you something reasonable from Woolies for £25.”

“Woolies, Perkins? What would people think?”

“Well, they might think you were trying to be frugal, Sir!”

Frugal? Frugal? What exactly is that, Perkins? Never come across it before.

“Quite, Sir.”

By Chris Snuggs

Perkins and the Dodgy Expenses

It’s not really the public’s money, is it!

MP's expenses
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Good morning, Sir ….

Is it, Perkins?

Oh Dear …. what’s happened now, Sir?

It’s this dratted expenses nonsense.

Nonsense, Sir? Then why are the police involved again?

Again?

Yes, Sir. They’re also investigating the mysterious unthinking think-tank remember?

Oh yes, I’d forgotten that.

There’s a rumour going round the canteen that the police are going to set up an incident room on the terrace of the House of Commons, Sir.

On the terrace?

Yes Sir. The idea is to save time going to and fro’ the house; deal with the criminals, sorry MPs, in batches – benefit from economies of scale sort of thing ….

Perkins! That’s the kind of silly rumour started by malicious gossips. I’m surprised you even listen to such tittle-tattle.

But you must admit it’s a rum do, Sir – using public money to finance his son’s university education!

But Perkins, it was only his expenses that he used!

That money is supposed to be used – if I may say so – for expenses, Sir.

But those WERE expenses, Perkins! Goodness, you are being obtuse, today. When your son goes to university you certainly have expenses, I can tell you!

I meant his parliamentary expenses, Sir.

Oh really, Perkins. If we’re going to start nit-picking over every pound in every expense account in the House of Commons then where will we be?

I don’t know where we’ll be, Sir, but I know where the police will be and where half of our illustrious MPs will end up ……..

But Perkins, we’re talking about money already earmarked for expenses. Once it’s allocated then it doesn’t really exist any more; it’s virtually spent!

Well, it seems this money was actually spent, Sir – and after all, it was public money, Sir!

Public money? What on earth are you talking about, Perkins! It was the government’s money!

But it came from the public, Sir!

Aha! Got you there, Perkins. Granted it WAS the public’s money originally but once it left their bank accounts it became Government money! Surely you can see the distinction?

I’m sorry, Sir. I didn’t go to public school ….

By Chris Snuggs

Perkins and “The Daily Mail”

Whitehall Ministry

Transcripts from our bug in the Ministry of Misinformation, Whitehall, London

Morning, Perkins! … Good grief, man! What’s that under your arm?

It’s today’s “Daily Mail“, Sir.

“Daily Mail”! What on earth are you doing with that?

Well, I thought I’d check it out, Sir.

Check it out?

Yes Sir. People have been attacking it.

Attacking it?

You keep repeating me, Sir …

I’m just stunned Perkins! Why on earth would anyone sane want to “check it out”?

Well, I’ve always been suspicious of situations where the establishment and so-called cognoscenti collectively attack something, Sir.

Why on earth is that, Perkins?

Well, they could have an ulterior motive, Sir.

Ulterior motive?”

You’re doing it again, Sir.

Look Perkins, the Mail is a ghastly, sensationalist rag.

When did you last read it, Sir?

Goodness me, Perkins. I have better things to do with my time.

How can you be sure then that you’re not just baying the mindless mantra of your peers?

Look Perkins. I don’t read the Mail because it appeals to the mob and has no analysis.

But “the mob” are the mass of the people, Sir.

Exactly, Perkins. Now you’re on the right track.

So you don’t believe in democracy, Sir?

Don’t ask silly questions, Perkins. Of course I do, just as long as the people don’t get their hands on government. But seriously, the Mail has little analysis; just a crude statement of facts.

But why are you so attached to “analysis”, Sir? Surely it’s the facts that are most important?

Well if you don’t have analysis then how do you know what’s really going on? You need analysis to explain the headlines.

But surely any analysis depends on the spin of the author? Why can’t people be given the facts and allowed to make up their own minds?

“Make up their own minds?” Be serious, Perkins. The mob hasn’t got a mind to make up; that’s why it’s called “the mob”.

I think you’ll find it was the mob that fought and died in two World Wars to protect freedom and democracy in Britain, Sir.

Aha! That proves my point! You don’t need to understand much to pop your head over the top and get it shot off, do you! The mob is ideally suited to it.

But “analysis” is overrated, Sir. People should be encouraged to think for themselves.

“Think for themselves!” Now Perkins, those who went to public school can be expected to think for themselves, but as for the rest …

I’m sorry, Sir; there is in fact too much analysis. I was put off at school at an early age. No sooner had we opened a Shakespeare play than we had FR Leavis shoved down our throats telling us what to think about it rather than being allowed to interpret and analyze it ourselves.

I’m sorry your education seems to have gone so seriously wrong, Perkins. Did you in fact go to a public school?

Only a poor man’s one, Sir …. but analysis in the press just seems to me a clever way of trying to tell people what they should think. I believe Goebbels was very good at analysis, and of course Tony Blair …

Now Perkins, analysis is all that differentiates us from unthinking morons who cannot understand the law.

You mean British MPs and their expense accounts, Sir?

No … errm …. perhaps I should rephrase that … but really Perkins, this “Defend the Mail” crusade is really a bit OTT, isn’t it?

Perhaps, Sir, but it’s because it is so heavily attacked by verbal diarrhoearists who support totalitarianism. My principle is that your enemy’s enemy is your friend, so to speak. If someone who supports dictatorship attacks it at every chance then it can’t be all bad, sort of thing.

I’m sorry, Perkins. I don’t think I will ever be able to follow the tortured meanderings of your mind.

I think that’s because deep down I identify with “the mob”, Sir, or as I prefer to call them; “the people” ……..

Hmm …… if I were you Perkins I wouldn’t go trumpeting that too loudly round Whitehall. It could put an end to a promising career.

By Chris Snuggs

The Shame of Tibet

Transcripts from our bug in the Ministry of Misinformation, Whitehall, London

Good morning, Perkins ….

If you say so, Sir

Oh Dear …. I can tell there’s something wrong, Perkins … you’d better get it off your chest.

It’s this Tibet business, Sir, …

Tibet! Goodness me, Perkins! You do worry about such small things!

I wouldn’t exactly call Tibet, small, Sir.

But it’s thousands of miles away, Perkins, in a country of which we know little, and the British people even less.

Perhaps, but no man is an island and all that …

Perkins, we do have work to do, you know!

But nobody takes the Tibetans’ rights, seriously, Sir.

Well, it depends what you mean by “seriously”, Perkins.

But they are an occupied people! The Chinese Han are ethnically-swamping them! If the Americans did that to the Canadians, for example, there’d be all hell let loose …

Oh come, come, Perkins! You can’t compare Canadians to Tibetans! The latter are an underdeveloped, uncivilized race! The Chinese are bringing them into the modern world. They’re investing billions in the country.

Yes, to turn Tibet into a part of China, with Han culture …

But it is part of China, Perkins.

Only because the Chinese seized it by force. What right do they actually have to rule Tibet? Until they started moving millions of Chinese into the country there were practically no Chinese there at all. It was a thousand-year-old and totally different – and to the Chinese Han – alien culture.

What right, Perkins? Well, I’m sorry to disillusion you, but their bigger army gave them the right and after all, possession is nine-tenths of the law!

But they are so arrogant. And so-called democracies don’t say a word. India has even banned a march by a few hundred exiled Tibetans. The west continues to trade with and enrich China so that it can buy arms to oppress its minorities. It’s sickening, Sir.

Only if you have a conscience, Perkins. I’m sorry to see you are still afflicted by conscience.

I don’t think you are taking this seriously, Sir.

I am, Perkins; it’s just that nothing can be done.

You mean, nothing that doesn’t hurt us a bit, don’t you Sir?

Well, that goes without saying, Perkins! Do you really think the British consumer is going to accept to have to pay more for his DVD-recorder just to put a bit of pressure on China!!!

I’m sorry, Sir. It stinks. China supports North Korea, and they’ve just executed 15 people just for trying to flee the country. When North Koreans do get out of the hell of their regime, the Chinese often send them back. And yet we allow them to hold the Olympic Games! To set doves free in a gesture of peace! It is horrible, Sir.

Yes, Perkins. It’s called politics.

But it is preposterously hypocritical, Sir. Have you read “The Universal Declaration of Human Rights”?

Not recently, Perkins …

Well, what about this bit in Article 21?

The will of the people shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures.

Well, what about it, Perkins?

Well, members of the UN are supposed to subscribe to that, aren’t they, Sir? But a majority don’t, do they? China certainly doesn’t, does it?

I’m not sure I can answer three questions at once, Perkins. But I’ll give it some thought over the weekend …….

And what are you doing over the weekend, Sir?

As it happens, Perkins, I’m playing golf with the Chinese Ambassador …..

By Chris Snuggs