Learning from Dogs

The Irish always see the world a little different to the rest of us!

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

The Bank’s Customer Relationship Manager contacted Paddy and queried why he was using such a long password.

Paddy replied:

Bejazus! are yez feckin’ stupid? Shore oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital.

Sort of makes sense when you think about it!

By Bob Derham

Scoop information – direct from the Board Room

Given the plethora of comments on banking bonuses recently our intrepid reporter has managed to get access to a bankers’ board meeting to establish exactly how targets and bonuses are planned. His transcript is highly revealing of a complex system tightly geared to the bank’s activities and designed to give maximum incentive to those at the highest level.

So here you have it …..

Board Meeting at FatGreedyBankers, Limited (extremely)

Hello chaps. We’re here to set the targets for this year’s bonuses.

Jolly good, Sir Tosser. What did you have in mind?

Well, if the bank doesn’t actually go bankrupt we all get £1,000,000 quid. This is our baseline. Got to have a baseline ….. Then we get an extra £1,000,000 bonus for every £10 profit we make. What do you think?

I must say these are pretty stiff targets, Sir. As you know, the chances of going bankrupt are very high.

Yes, but then we get bailout money so we don’t have to worry about that.

No Sir. Well, I’m sure we all relish a challenge, don’t we chaps? Let’s go for it!

By Chris Snuggs

This has been circulating on the Internet, but you may not have seen it …..

Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white U.S.  government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years.  You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’ The  Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, ‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.  Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex. Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’

(acknowledgements to David Holmes)

The Eden Project in Cornwall, England

To lead the project which took an old clay pit in a remote corner of the UK and converted it into a world class environmental visitor attraction is a tremendous achievement.

Homo sapiens? A game show!

Tim Smit had some fun with the business community at the 2009 Annual Convention of the UK Institute of Directors. Everyone, including he, was in their best business attire, but very few people could get away with crumpled shirt and jeans!

However, he has a serious message about the environment (1:55) and he knows a thing or two about people as well!

Monty Python: is there intelligent life on earth?

For fun, and on an Australian tack, Eric Idle is not so sure.

By John Lewis

Music is his base

Very few people demonstrate and explain the benefits of responding positively to the world around us as effectively as Benjamin Zander.  The Boston Philharmonic Orchestra is “semi-professional”, which means that it is a volunteer orchestra who play to professional standards. He has conducted the orchestra for 30 years; and his standing as a professional cellist and conductor is without question.

Leadership is his forte

But his contribution as a musician is exceeded by his contribution as a speaker on leadership.

He combines speeches on leadership with his musical performances and has given keynote speeches at the World Economic Forum on at least four occasions.

In the book ,”The Art of Possibility”, which he co-authored with his partner Rosamund Stone Zander, they relate the following moving story.

A New Children’s Story

A little girl in second grade underwent chemotherapy for leukaemia.  When she returned to school, she wore a scarf to hide the fact that she lost all her hair. But some of the children pulled it off, and in their nervousness laughed and made fun of her.  The little girl was mortified and that afternoon begged her mother not to make her go back to school. Her mother tried to encourage her, saying. “The other children will get used to it, and anyway your hair will grow in again soon.”

The next morning, when their teacher walked in to class, all the children were sitting in their seats, some still tittering about the girl who had no hair, while she shrank into her chair.  “Good morning, children, “ the teacher said, smiling warmly in her familiar way of greeting them. She took off her coat and scarf. Her head was completely shaved.

After that, a rash of children begged their parents to let them cut their hair. And when a child came to class with short hair, newly bobbed, all the children laughed merrily – not out of fear – but out of the joy of the game. And everybody’s hair grew back at the same time.

Isn’t that wonderful?

Contrast that with the narrow thinking behind a recent incident at at school in the Australia when a child shaved her head to raise money for a charity in support of her father’s illness. She was barred from the school. The story is described here.

How daft is that? As others have asked, what would they have done if a pupil had lost her hair as a result of chemotherapy?

Sometimes you might wonder whether we live on the same planet!

Take time to watch …

If you are not familiar with Benjamin Zander’s presentation, then this is an uplifting experience. For example, this presentation (of more than an hour) was given at the World Economic Forum 2009 (and never mind the image quality, it is good enough!):

More on remarkable people …

By John Lewis

A gift from a friend of the Blog

Some of you may have noticed that at the head of the right-hand column on the Blog we have a new image.  This arrived the other day and is from the ‘drawing board’ of Neil Kelly who is one of nature’s more creative fellows.  Anyway, here’s the image in a slightly larger format.  Thanks Neil!

By Paul Handover

Time for bed

Unlike the funny pic posted yesterday which clearly has been ‘edited’ this one looks to be genuine.

Thanks to Dan G for forwarding it. Classic!

By Paul Handover

Dogs? Yes, we can certainly learn a lot from them.

We could start by learning to clean up our own mess better …..

Setting an example ....

By Chris Snuggs

[Wish our lot would learn this skill? Ed.]

Transcripts from our bug in the Ministry of Misinformation, Whitehall, London

Sir:    Morning, Perkins. You look a bit perturbed this morning …

Perkins:     Good morning, Sir …. well, it’s the economic news …

Oh come on Perkins … swings and roundabouts, economic cycles, what goes around comes around and all that.

Yes, but it seems we’re in the longest recession since records began.

Records, Perkins? Well, of course they’re there to be broken, and if anyone can do it, the Labour Government certainly can! Come on, cheer up – it’s just a spot of fiscal turbulence … in six months we’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about ….

Six months?

Well, nine months then … the PM has promised an end to the recession in 2010.

Some are saying that government promises about the economy aren’t worth the paper they’re written on …

Well, he only said it, Perkins. I don’t think he actually wrote it down as evidence, so to speak.

But he also said: “Britain is better placed than other European countries to weather the recession”, and now look at France and Germany! My old schoolmate Snuggs down in Southern Germany says there is no sign of a recession – boarded-up and charity shops are as rare as unicorns, BMWs, Mercedes and Audis whiz back and fro’ to Munich – not an old banger is to be seen, immaculate countryside …. the only black spot is farmers whingeing about the low price of milk, but then they’re always whingeing about something.

Perkins, I’ve told you before, that’s Germany … you can’t apply the same standards of comparison to Britain …. as for posh cars, well, they make them don’t they? They probably have a surplus and so are flogging them off cheap.

But what about the sinking pound, Sir? It’s now just hovering around parity with the euro – a year ago it was well above it. It’s very worrying …

Perkins …. I believe you’ve never studied economics, have you? that’s just the way it is. The German currency always goes up relative to the pound. I remember when I was at school it was 11DM to the pound.

But it’s not the German currency, Sir, it’s the euro.

Don’t be silly, Perkins. The euro is 90% the Deutschmark in reality. But I wouldn’t worry about the falling pound: it’s great for our exports. Besides, it hasn’t fallen relative to people in Britain. The pound in your pocket has maintained its value. Old Harold Wilson had a good understanding of relativity …. our whole approach is based on the principles of Einstein himself.

But won’t commodities rise, Sir? After all, we depend on imports for practically everything.

Aha! But that’s good for restraining consumption … we must consume less, Perkins, if we are to save the planet.

But the PM is banking on increased growth to save the economy, so how can we have increased growth and lower consumption, Sir? I don’t understand!

As I said before, Perkins, you’re not an economist – or a politician, come to that …..

But they’re saying that we are borrowing billions just to cover current expenditure rather than spending it on long-term infrastructure projects.

Ah … now you’re getting a bit technical, Perkins … you really must avoid jargon … after all, this is the Ministry of Misinformation ….

Jargon? What about “quantitative easing”? Isn’t that just jargon for “borrowing even more humungous amounts of money we haven’t got?”

Perkins – you’re getting confused; obviously we haven’t got it if we have to borrow it …. besides, “quantitative easing” is nothing like borrowing as you describe it.

Why not, Sir? I don’t understand.

It’s completely and utterly different, Perkins. It has a different name for a start.

Well, I can’t help being worried, Sir.

Enough of this nonsense, Perkins. The economy is booming …  have you been to Harrods lately? Absolutely packed ….

Yes Sir, with Arabs and Russian oligarchs ….

Well, look on the bright side, Perkins, at least they’re spending their money over here rather than in their own countries ….. besides, where would the Premiership be without their money? …. come on, Perkins – let’s have a cup of tea and forget about all this economic nonsense … we have some misinformation to sort out …

A tongue-in-cheek reflection on the absurdities of British Goverment.

In 1980 the BBC first broadcast a satirical situation comedy called Yes Minister.  It was hugely popular. It attempted to illustrate through (slight!) exaggeration the arcane world of ministerial life and how the British Civil Service Mandarins, in the end, were the ones truly in charge of Her Majesty’s Government.  Here’s a taste of the programme:

Almost difficult to believe that that was broadcast nearly 30 years ago – could have been yesterday!  Here’s another clip:

Nothing much has changed since then … indeed, real as opposed to illusory change is something that the Civil Service strives constantly to avoid. For the information and instruction of a new generation of voters, our devious and doughty correspondent has managed to engage the services of a modern “Deep Throat” who has furnished us with transcripts of current conversations from one of the Ministries. To protect the identity of the individuals involved, we have renamed the former the Ministry of Misinformation, since – obviously – this could be any one of the multiple current ministries.

We intend to reveal further on-going communications in the fullness of time, hoping as always that the identity of “Deep Throat II” will not be revealed though the launch of a leak enquiry. We are fairly optimistic about this since leak enquiries have never provided any results in the past.

The first ‘communication’ is tomorrow at 16:00 GMT.

By Chris Snuggs