Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
Somewhere out there!
A delightful play on our preconceptions of nationalities.
Many thanks to Bob D. who sent this to me a few days ago.
SOMEWHERE …….. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun!
Just wonderful – big thanks to Bob for finding that!
A Reflective Thought
Another musing from Neil K.
I want to write a little more about Neil but, first, let me show you what he passed to me a few days ago.
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Jimmy Saville; now we’ve no jobs, no cash, no hope and no one to fix it.
I’m aware that there will be many people who read this who may not be familiar with Jimmy Saville and his long-running television programme Jim’ll Fix It. Here’s a taste of that programme,
Sir Jimmy was an amazing man and natural performer. More on his life later. Let me turn back to Neil.
Those of you who are regular readers of Learning from Dogs will have seen over the last few months a number of entries from Devon friend of many years, Neil K. Neil’s surname is Kelly, no relation to the infamous Ned Kelly! Do a search from the home page of the Blog for more of Neil’s contribtions. Or try this one, The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets.
Anyway, Neil has very kindly offered to contribute on a regular basis and, of course, I welcomed that with open arms. So a big ‘thank you’ from me and I’m sure many others will look forward to Neil’s contributions. Neil is updating his website, at which point I will ask Neil to say a little more about himself.
Back to Jimmy Saville.
Saturday smile
Once again, indebted to Neil K’s wonderful creativity and sense of humour!
.
Have a Sunday Smile
Courtesy of Neil K. from South Devon.
Laurel & Hardy dance the Santana
and, now, one for the road,
Running Water!
Big thanks to Neil for supplying a steady stream of smiles.
Meaning of words!
Especially appealing to all Scrabble players!
Big thanks to friend Bob D. for forwarding this. (Note: hope this formatting works for you, had some issues managing the format at this end.)
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters::
THEY SEE:
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yet another Saturday smile
When I was living back in South-West England, in the Totnes area, I had plenty of time to get to know Neil K. Neil has the most wonderful sense of humour and an ability to look at the world rather differently than the rest of us. I offer this tribute in acknowledgement of the great items that Neil passes to me for inclusion in Learning from Dogs. This one is no exception.
——————–
The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets
Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’
And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat . . .
didn’t give a shit one way or the other.
Saturday smile!
An old one but still made me laugh – yes, I know, there’s no accounting for taste!
And a big thank-you to Cynthia S for passing this on.
MARY’S CRUISE SHIP DIARY
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this ”all-girls” trip. It will be my first one, – and I can’t wait!
————————————————————–
DEAR DIARY – DAY 2Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
————————————————————–
DEAR DIARY – DAY 3At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
———————————————————-
DEAR DIARY – DAY 4Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
————————————————————–
DEAR DIARY – DAY 5Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.
————————————————————–
DEAR DIARY – DAY 6Today I saved the lives of all 2,600 passengers and crew!
Twice.
The selflessness of Mary has me in deep awe!
And another Saturday smile
With enormous thanks to Neil K. in Devon for forwarding these,
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
The night sky above
Sort of on a theme here – regarding my posts on the meaning of it all….
Billions of stars
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
“Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?“
The Lone Ranger replies,
“I see millions of stars.“
Tonto then responded,
“What that tell you?“
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
However, astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Then again, thinking about the time just now, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
From a theologically perspective, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Finally, meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What’s it tell you, Tonto?”
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,
“Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo chip. Someone has stolen tent.”
We never stop learning!
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS |
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!Pocket taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that:
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and… HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!! I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.. Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! |
Paul Handover
